I will write for myself, to alleviate the apprehension in the depth of my soul.
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Saturday, November 26, 2011

Rule #38: If you don't risk anything you risk even more.

Lately I feel like everything is falling apart and coming together at the same time. Although I skipped school and my exam last Friday, I couldn’t deny that the morning started out so beautifully. Of course I had a lot of doubts running through my mind about certain things but I didn’t let them take over me. I spent the rest of the afternoon with my friends and in between there were truths and pasts being told which got me so disappointed. Sometimes I find myself asking, Am I too naïve? I guess I trust people very easily and too quickly that I have gotten screwed for it many times. I always see the good in everyone though I try to be cautious but I still end up jumping in feet first. I guess it’s just my nature.

In the evening I met up with the rest- Erin, Yuslina, Raushyan and Dinie for dinner @ Ignite, Bussorah Street. It was just a normal chill out cum catch up session. The food was delish and the ambience was very relaxing with the music been played. I was kind of shocked when my friends asked me a few times if I was okay because usually I don’t let people see that I’m feeling down. I am good at hiding my true feelings but yesterday night I guess I was physically tired that I didn’t have the strength to even pretend I was emotionally alright. Get what I mean?

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Appologies for the bad image quality! Taken by our handphones and my macbook:(

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You know when you've been holding everything in, not to be upset or affected, so hard… And a little more pressure is added on, you totally burst. The tears come streaming down your face and you just can’t help it no more. Yes, that happened to me yesterday.

My mother once told me she had to go through so much trouble raising me up as a kid because I was a major cry baby and was always giving her a hard time, unlike my two other siblings who were very independent. It broke my heart when I found out I was the reason why she did not want another child. I grew up trying my best to hold my tears most of the time because to me, it is like a sign of weakness. It’s not that I inherently have something against crying. I've always hated being vulnerable. It's always bugged me when I cry, people could see my thoughts, and how their words affected me, and I refused to let anyone have that much power. I considered my ability to be strong, not cry as a strength after a while and I wouldn't let people in on that emotional level. Especially as a girl, I watched as so many people would cry and get attention or sympathy from it, and I always thought it was stupid with the manipulation that was involved.

Even Sherini who’s been my girlfriend for two years plus, exclaimed, “I’ve never seen you cry before!” I appreciate that my friends told me they got my back but at the end of the day, I have to remember that no problem is too big to handle and I can’t depend on anybody to make myself feel happy. xx


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