Rule #75: Sometimes things have to get worse, in order to get better.

Rainy days and sleepless nights. I curl up in bed and drown myself under my favourite blanket. All I do is toss and turn. Hours after hours. Almost falling asleep, to feeling wide awake. I try to keep my eyes close but they only grow tired after awhile. So I just lay there and stare at the ceiling, hoping for someone to break the eerie silence. Or give me some sleeping pills to take to shut my brain off. Yet, I’m getting used to this solitude that I am actually enjoying the cacophony of static filling the air until the clock strikes five or six in the morning.

Sometimes I get so full up with the things that I have heard, that I lie awake at night, thinking about them. I imagine conversations. Words we spoke and should have spoken. I find myself mulling over the nuggets of thoughts that I hold as truths. Those words kept in my head are like voices underwater; they’re somewhat distorted and vague. There’s fear but there’s hope. There’s sadness but there’s joy. There’s loneliness but there’s assurance. There’s anger but there’s love. It's so confusing that I sometimes wonder if there is something wrong with me, especially at the wee small hours of the morning when the house is dark and my neighbourhood is dead quiet. Or maybe, just maybe, I am slowly losing my mind.



Sidetrack: So, I found out just two days ago that one of closest guy friends is getting engaged later. Oh god, I feel as though I am ageing really fast! Indeed I am very happy for him but at the same time, I don’t know if whatever we are doing now is right. We’ve been contacting for quite some time but we’re not exactly about 'going out' or 'dating' you see. It’s different kind of thing- more like teaching, learning, and understanding about Islam- with no intentions of involving personal feelings for each other. But now that he’s going to be someone else’s fiancée…………………

Oh, come on bed…beckon me to your slumber already.