This morning I woke up and bang! Reality hit me hard. I didn’t intend to get out of bed but I have to run my errands later on. Calming my nerves with a cup of hot chocolate while listening to some urban jazz, I tried to sort myself out and put my mind at ease. I am filled with mixed emotions. I am afraid yet relieved. I am open yet closed. I am loved yet lost. In fact sometimes I truly believe that I am fine, or maybe I am just pretending. I can’t really tell the difference anymore.
I met up with a male friend of mine who spoke to me a lot about the world we’re living in. He seemed to me like some philosopher but actually he’s just an average guy who is working as a rider. It amazed me how content he is with his job even though he’s almost in his mid-20s. He has shown me a lot of verses from the Quran and hadith and I was almost stunned when he spoke in Arab- it was so melodic and impeccable that I found myself wondering, when am I going to learn Arab and be as good as him? Knowing that I am very materialistic, he tried to open my eyes to make me realise how ignorant and narrow-minded the people are today,hoping that I wouldn't be one of them and follow the disbelievers.
“You are funny and vulnerable, Nadiah. You need to be stronger than that.”
“Yeah,” I shrugged. “I get that a lot actually,”
“Do you think your life has turned out the way you had wanted it to?”
“It could have, I guess. But I got lost along the way. Without realizing, I became the person I told myself I would never be,”
“So who are you now? What made you this way?”
“Love commitments I guess. Love has made me do things I don’t want to do. I give in so much to people just to see them happy that I forgot my own values. I sacrificed so much for them that I kind of lose myself along the way too. I mean, I know where my roots are but I don’t really know who I am exactly now. I want to change. Completely. I need to truly find myself again."
"You know, it's going to take a lot more than the epiphany to take you back to the ground and get yourself moving in a defined direction. In order to move forward, you're going to have to let go of what you have right now. Not only love but even the company that you keep. You need to learn how to accept and forgive your past disappointments too and make sure it doesn't affect your present and future. It’s going to take a lot of courage to take the risks involved in letting go of the comfortable cloud you're sitting on right now. ”
But the question is, am I ready?
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