“Go and sleep. I know you’re tired,” He spread his arms and pulled me close where my face rested on his shoulders and my nose gently touched his left neck. After pulling the covers over me, he lifted up my chin and gave me a peck on my lips.
I sniffed him just like how I always do. This time, falling asleep in his arms felt different. It didn’t feel as good and as warm as it did when he first held me. His heart didn’t even beat as loud as it did as before. I started feeling slightly uncomfortable so I curled up with my back against him and hugged his pillow. Staring blankly at the wall for a couple of minutes, my mind started to race. I breathed in deeply before turning back to face him. Whilst he was fidgeting with his Itouch, I just looked into his eyes and studied him for a minute. My God, he still takes my breath away.
Yet, my heart ached. “Can’t you see how much you’ve hurt me?” I wondered to myself. He caught me staring like as if he heard my question, but I just looked away. For once I just wanted to stop thinking too much. About him. About us. I wanted to embrace the moment we’re together doing nothing, just cuddling.
“I trusted you,” Those words had to come out of my throat. I sat up and leaned the back of my head at the wall behind. I haven’t felt this disappointed for quite some time.
“I know,” he looked down and hugged me tightly, “I’m sorry,”
“What do you know about being sorry when all you do is repeat the same mistakes and here I am, giving in to you again and again?” I wanted to burst. A sense of anguish was growing inside my stomach like an ugly weed. I felt the hate and love fighting a battle in my heart. “Do you really expect me to take all these as it is, just like that? To believe in you so easily again? DO YOU REALLY EXPECT THAT?!” Instead, I just sighed in response. Times like these I wish we could just open up and have heart-to-heart talk. Sadly I don’t have enough strength to come clean with him and well, he no longer asked about my feelings like as if he doesn't care anymore.
He was just being his usual self, started joking around like as if the apology has made everything all better. Being selfish was the last thing I wanted so I put aside my negative thoughts and pretended like nothing was bothering me at all. He started nibbling on my arm like a cat, playing games and singing some malay love songs- He knew I hated them. There I was, just lying there giggling over his silly jokes. Out of instinct, I played with his hair and traced his face with my fingers. From his forehead, his thick brows, his long eyelashes, to his sharp nose and lips. I didn’t want to miss anything. He’s beautiful.
Knowing what he’s been through in the past, I have always believed he deserves happiness and I wanted to give him the best. Everything has always been about him since then. I knew how much he wanted to feel part of a family and I believed if he became part of me, my family would treat him just like one of us. I wanted to fulfil his wishes without him expecting anything from me and I didn’t want to leave like how others did.
Nevertheless, I cannot let myself get hurt this way. No. Not this time. Not anymore.
I understand that his soul is trying to get out to be the man he wants to be. I really see it, his soul, I know how great he could be…if only…If only, he would learn how to accept and forgive his past, understand that it takes effort and time to make people stay, that proving his love through his actions is necessary because talk is cheap and respecting women like how they’re supposed to be treated no matter how atrocious their behaviour are.
Ever since we started seeing each other, I always thought, “Man, I hope I don’t mess this up,” because that’s what I always do. I mess things up. But you know what I never thought? I never thought that this would mess me up.
Enough is enough.
No comments:
Post a Comment