Rule #78: Sometimes, the answers are all around us. We are just not ready to confront the reality.

Sometimes, I wish I could grow a thicker skin because I know some things aren’t worth my pity. Some things I can’t fix. Some things I just should not bother anymore. I wish I weren’t a coward. If I were braver, I’d end it now and stop all my whining. If I weren’t so concerned about everybody else, I’d end it and have done. Just do the things that make me happy instead and worry about nothing. I wish I could accept me and genuinely love myself. However, when I look in the mirror, it only takes five seconds of looking into my eyes before I have to turn away from it. It’s not because I think I’m ugly.It's like the mirror is a demon, showing me all the not-so-good things I’ve done and so it’s hard to stand and see all that. The thing is when I look at myself, I don’t see much there worth loving. There are people who say they will always love me for who I am, but I always doubt that. Because when the time comes they’ll realize just how flawed I am and better people come along, feelings will eventually change, wouldn’t they?

I really wish sometimes, I was more devoid of feelings and emotions. Right now I am battling with them. It’s like something was pulled out of me, and now it’s out and walking around, and I can’t put it back in the place it was. I feel like some barrier inside me has been broken open, and now there’s no going back. I wish I could go back, because the intensity of these feelings is scary. I’m trying to deal with a lot of guilt and shame, for feeling what I do, and thinking what the feelings are having me think. Is that even right?

I feel like a failure, or some kind of masochist.

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This was how I spent my Saturday:
Vivo City for DanceWorks Category III > St. James for Dance Fiesta Semi-Finals > Helipad to accompany Dinie for a showcase > After party.

Whoa, it’s been almost two years since I last went into a club. You have no idea how fast my blood was rushing when I stepped into those places, and immediately I had a million flash backs about my past. I thank God I held myself back from enjoying too much, which was a good thing for me! Funny thing was, after Dinie took a sip of his Amsterdam beer he turned to me, “Nadiah...Sorry for drinking infront of you,” like as if it’s the first time he’s doing it!!! Lol. I didn’t get to see the Helipad’s rooftop bar though because there was a birthday party- I could only enter the dancefloor- and I’m still wondering if it’s a real landing place for helicopters. Is it really?

Anyway, I’m so proud of all the RP dancers:’) I know how much effort they’ve put in for this competitions! Ya’ll gotta check their videos on facebook!
1. So Spastic Crew (I missed their performance! I woke up late.)
2. Female Hustlerz (5th place! So close getting into the finals!!!!)
3. 100% Be.Phat (I’ll see ya again on finals!)
























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