Rule #112: Sincerity emits a fragrance that can be detected by surrounding hearts.

“Love is patient and kind, it is never jealous, love is never boastful or conceited, it is never rude or selfish, it does not take offence, nor is it resentful. Love takes no pleasure in others’ sins but delights in the truth; it is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope and to endure whatever comes. Love does not come to an end. There are three things that last, faith, hope and love and the greatest of these is love.” (A Walk To Remember)
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I was flipping through Cleo magazine June issue and saw an article written by Julia Gaynor.

“The thing about the phrase I Love You is that it’s a loaded gun and if you’re not careful, it can blow up in your face. Once the “L” word is dropped into the conversation, there is no turning back.”

One time, a guy told me he loved me on our third date. He started talking about how determined he was to make me happy and work things out between us because to him, what we had was something “extraordinary.” We only had movies and dinners though? I was freaking out in my heart that I felt claustrophobic when he started holding my face with his two palms as he poured out his feelings and I just stood there blinking my eyes all speechless!

There was also a guy whom I went out with for a week and he would say “I love you” like ten times a day. No matter how much I told him to take things slow, he was so ascertained that he wanted to marry me in the future. I heard it so often that “I love you too” almost slipped out but I was more like, “I lov- urm, no, nothing,” I didn’t have the intention to hurt him on purpose but that was really the truth. He would talk about how willing he was to wait for the day that I would finally say the three words back to him.

Of course, all these were sweet and thoughtful. But it is highly unlikely they were in love with the real me. I mean, come on? How can you fall in love with someone you just met? You can’t go around telling every person that comes in to your life that you love them. I believe that saying ‘I love you’ too much makes the phrase itself invaluable and it will lose its magic after a while. One thing I noticed, people tend to rush into relationships because they’re afraid that their “chance” might go away if they’re not quick enough to win the girl’s heart. Well whatever it is, in my opinion, until one has met and spent considerable time together, he can only believe he is in love with the person he thinks me to be.

So, what happened to all these guys who claimed they loved me? They started making issues with how I live my life. Like having many guyfriends, going out after midnight, not learning how to cook, etc. They started getting jealous and making things a big deal even though I didn’t agree to commit in a relationship or anything like that. When things turned really ugly and I decided not to continue contacting, they felt that I have “used” them or “took advantage” although I never asked them to do anything for me. Doesn’t make sense to tell people you love them and end up hating them some time after because they’re not the person you thought they were. So much for “accepting” me for who I am, right?

Love should be an evolving feeling that grows inside, when the right person and right timing comes along, than by all means you should express the way you feel. I know we’re all running out of time, but there’s no need to rush things. If it’s meant to be, it will be, eventually. I also learned that the words can be uttered when you are feeling connectedness, fondness or infatuation, but not true love. You have to know someone to feel that depth of emotion.

“Sometimes, you’re afraid to say them because you think they will break the spell, as if the words will diminish the intensity of unspoken emotions.” That’s true, as well. I’m convinced that once you say them, things will definitely change afterwards. For the better or for worse. It’s whether or not you’re willing to risk it. “So perhaps the big question isn’t when to tell him you love him, but when to let him go when he still can’t say, show, or feel it.”

♡ ♡ ♡
Nadiah Latiff

Rule #103: Fall in love with the mental beauty because the filth of the mind has the potential to destroy the body.

I was having a really bad day until a stranger approached me in the train station and we had a 45min conversation about our lives. It was spontaneous but I liked it. Because I learned a little something more about myself . And sometimes, little things like this can completely make my day.
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"I have the deepest affection for intellectual conversations. The ability to just sit and talk. About love, about life, about anything, about everything. To sit under the moon with all the time in the world, the full-speed train that is our lives slowing to a crawl. Bound by no obligations, barred by no human limitations. To speak without regret or fear of consequence. To talk for hours and about what’s really important in life."

It speaks so much of my life.But it’s kind of sad that some people you love can only hear you out but they don’t listen well with understanding. *shrugs

♡ ♡ ♡
Nadiah Latiff

Rule #101: Sometimes it's better to be kind than to be right. a patient heart that listens is better than an intelligent mind that speaks.

I lay on bed and a train of thought runs in my mind, mad as a hatter. Certain thoughts and feelings are immortal. I try to kill them; sometimes they disappear but they always come back. I twist and turn, feeling like an embalm. Soon with a jerk, I wake up just to gaze outside the window, recalling the tender nights and gave praise to God above. I look up with grieving little, but did not mourn; deciding to comfort the heavy heart, I told him my fears, of my silent hurts.

---
“We met as bare acquaintances and you touched my soul. I never knew you'd grow to mean the world to me, but you did. And in a short time you defined bits of this world, took them up for your own. I never complained, just gave you a little more each day. Something so beautiful could never go wrong. I shivered and stumbled but you steadied and warmed me. I was a different me when I was with you. I guess it wasn't me at all.. Just you, all you. Your radiance reflected on me and made me shine bleakly too. The sky and the shore came together. And in fragments, my life became perfect.

Then we said goodbye. And the threads I was holding on to, fell lose all at once. I came spinning down, drowsy with memories, starving for more. I'm still trying to make my life perfect. But the only way to do it anymore is to cut out parts of my day and paste my past into the nights. And as I photoshop your smile into my life, I know I'll never be the same again. For you changed me, forever.” (Via tumblr)

It scares me so much losing my best guyfriend. I'm still gathering my courage till it's really time to let go of... certain things. Thank you, W, for everything you’ve done for me. I could never ask for more. Alhamdullilah.

♡ ♡ ♡
Nadiah Latiff

Rule #96: You don’t have to fight every battle. You have to wisely choose your battles to win the war.

Dear Self,

How many times must I remind you to stop being so naïve? I am very sure that you will mature. You will learn to detach from people. It shouldn't be hard, because people give you enough reason to gather the courage to detach. You will be let down, again and again, but don't worry yourself. All you need is your family and that the love from your parents is vital- So don’t mistreat them. And your Lord. He is always there for you yet your commitment to Him isn't even a quarter fulfilled.

Your capacity to love and heal people always leads to destruction and heartbreak. Do you realise that? You can’t save everybody. You can’t please everyone. Stop trying and stop feeling like you failed at what you tried to do. I know you have given up more times than I can count. It's okay. Don't beat yourself up about it. Forgive yourself. You are more self-conscious than you will ever admit, because people’s judgements scare you, don't they?

You will lose friends, and gain new ones. Everybody teaches you a lesson in life. Learn from your mistakes. Really- Learn how much to say and who to say it to. Don’t ever show anyone the vulnerable side of you until they really deserve it because people will be people. Don’t show them you’re weak because they will take advantage of you. So even if you have many fears, show them you’re strong enough to conquer. Even if you’re not, just do the thing you do best- pretend!

Do you remember what you read the other day by Umar ibn Al-Khattab? “No amount of guilt can change the past, and no amount of worrying can change the future. Go easy on yourself, for the outcome of all affairs is determined by Allaahs decree. If something is meant to go elsewhere, it will never come your way, but if it yours by destiny, from you it cannot flee."

Please turn off the masochistic vibe, girlfriend; it’s not cute at all.

♡ ♡ ♡
The part of you who knows better

Rule #91: Hearts are fragile, do not toss words around recklessly.

"I could write a list why I should go away from you,” I gathered my courage to say what I needed to. This wasn't the first time that I realized the state of unhappiness that I'm in with him. “List the reasons to stay, instead!” He responded firmly. The heartaches and tears for the past couple of weeks were insane. Things surrounding me were already tough to deal with and he only made it harder. I sought comfort and motivation especially from the one I love. But each aspect of the situations he told me seemed like an instrument of torture, exquisitely shaped to precisely pierce my heart with all his judgement about me. Enough is enough yet I found myself still questioning the true limit of the term enough; I suppose this is the disadvantage of being patient and having a high tolerance level. That night, he poured his emotions out and reminisced our good times like never before. I knew it wasn't easy for him to open up so I secretly prayed in my heart that we could have this more often because communication is essential and it’s really soothing to listen to him talk about our firsts, wants and feelings. "Can I hear your voice for the last time?" He texted me earlier that night. We thought it would be our last phone call. But it’s only just the beginning.

♡ ♡ ♡
Nadiah Latiff

P.S: I'll have short updates once in awhile okay, faithful readers xo

Rule #77: Words are just words, unless you give those words the power to hurt you or take effect on you.

“Go and sleep. I know you’re tired,” He spread his arms and pulled me close where my face rested on his shoulders and my nose gently touched his left neck. After pulling the covers over me, he lifted up my chin and gave me a peck on my lips.

I sniffed him just like how I always do. This time, falling asleep in his arms felt different. It didn’t feel as good and as warm as it did when he first held me. His heart didn’t even beat as loud as it did as before. I started feeling slightly uncomfortable so I curled up with my back against him and hugged his pillow. Staring blankly at the wall for a couple of minutes, my mind started to race. I breathed in deeply before turning back to face him. Whilst he was fidgeting with his Itouch, I just looked into his eyes and studied him for a minute. My God, he still takes my breath away.

Yet, my heart ached. “Can’t you see how much you’ve hurt me?” I wondered to myself. He caught me staring like as if he heard my question, but I just looked away. For once I just wanted to stop thinking too much. About him. About us. I wanted to embrace the moment we’re together doing nothing, just cuddling.

“I trusted you,” Those words had to come out of my throat. I sat up and leaned the back of my head at the wall behind. I haven’t felt this disappointed for quite some time.

“I know,” he looked down and hugged me tightly, “I’m sorry,”

“What do you know about being sorry when all you do is repeat the same mistakes and here I am, giving in to you again and again?” I wanted to burst. A sense of anguish was growing inside my stomach like an ugly weed. I felt the hate and love fighting a battle in my heart. “Do you really expect me to take all these as it is, just like that? To believe in you so easily again? DO YOU REALLY EXPECT THAT?!” Instead, I just sighed in response. Times like these I wish we could just open up and have heart-to-heart talk. Sadly I don’t have enough strength to come clean with him and well, he no longer asked about my feelings like as if he doesn't care anymore.

He was just being his usual self, started joking around like as if the apology has made everything all better. Being selfish was the last thing I wanted so I put aside my negative thoughts and pretended like nothing was bothering me at all. He started nibbling on my arm like a cat, playing games and singing some malay love songs- He knew I hated them. There I was, just lying there giggling over his silly jokes. Out of instinct, I played with his hair and traced his face with my fingers. From his forehead, his thick brows, his long eyelashes, to his sharp nose and lips. I didn’t want to miss anything. He’s beautiful.

Knowing what he’s been through in the past, I have always believed he deserves happiness and I wanted to give him the best. Everything has always been about him since then. I knew how much he wanted to feel part of a family and I believed if he became part of me, my family would treat him just like one of us. I wanted to fulfil his wishes without him expecting anything from me and I didn’t want to leave like how others did.

Nevertheless, I cannot let myself get hurt this way. No. Not this time. Not anymore.

I understand that his soul is trying to get out to be the man he wants to be. I really see it, his soul, I know how great he could be…if only…If only, he would learn how to accept and forgive his past, understand that it takes effort and time to make people stay, that proving his love through his actions is necessary because talk is cheap and respecting women like how they’re supposed to be treated no matter how atrocious their behaviour are.

Ever since we started seeing each other, I always thought, “Man, I hope I don’t mess this up,” because that’s what I always do. I mess things up. But you know what I never thought? I never thought that this would mess me up.

Enough is enough.

Rule #71: Everything in this life is a test. This life is merely a bridge we’re crossing.

It was a long journey back home in the bus with him last Sunday night. The complete silence between us almost killed me. I’m not one who knows how to give emotional support; I had trouble finding the words to make him feel better. It was not easy. I admit I am a coward and I lacked strength to even look into his eyes while he was looking sharply into mine telling me how much I meant to him. It pains me to know that he is hurting and I'm the cause of it.

He has always seen the good in me. Always. He loved me, with every ounce of his being and with no reservations. And that scared me to death, because how on earth could I be worthy of such devotion? I appreciated that he fought for me to stay. But I pushed him away instead. I just knew this couldn't continue. No matter how much my heart told me otherwise.

As he looked down while leaning his forehead on the bus chair in front of him, I stared outside the window and prayed silently that God forgives me, for hurting such a wonderful soul, that He will give him the strength to overcome and heal his heart that I have already broken into pieces. xx

Rule #67: The tongue will never get tired, but it can be responsible for transporting you to either hell or heaven.

Today was one of those lazy days that only come by every so often. I woke up at two in the afternoon even though I am naturally a morning person. Reason being I couldn't fall asleep till it was 4.30am; boredom was eating me alive that I even spammed someone's inbox with my stupid text messages. Right now, I’m not feeling quite well though. My chest feels so tight and my breathing is heavy. I just have to pretend it is not painful because I really don’t want to be dragged to the 24-hour clinic!!!

As I laid on the couch for hours just watching television, a thought occurred. I realised that most people spend their lives trying to fill a void. They search for love with the impression that it will fill that void because the society today taught us that once we find love, we will locate happiness. But nowadays I notice people are trying so hard to seek love to the extent that they will complain about how lonely they are and blaming life for being so malicious when love fails.

So here’s to the people who feel that way:

The world is indeed precarious and Shaitaan is everywhere trying to lead us astray; he distracts us from our purpose. I know that sometimes we become so engrossed in our lives that we ultimately forget who we are and what we are living for. Remember, your happiness lies in the hands of God the Almighty. If you do not worship Him, how can you ever expect to be genuinely happy with anything else? If you turn to the creations and not the Lord, that void you feel will remain vacant for the rest of your life. Use your mind and think.
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Yesterday I was having my favourite yoghurt @ a neighbourhood Frolicks with someone just catching up as usual and having a heart-to-heart talk.

“I can’t bear to see someone hurting you. I feel so…sad...like urgh,” He murmured as he cringed sympathetically. “I just can’t,”

“If you feel that way, then i don’t want to tell you anything anymore,” I scowled in a joking manner while continue swinging on the swing that I was sitting with him.

Then there he went trying to convince me that he’s worthy enough to know things. I just laughed at the way he responded because it was cute the way he was trying to prove his point. I understood what he meant though. He wants to be my strength, my happiness and everything that I am lacking of.

“You know…That’s the reason why I don’t tell people what I go through. I know, some way or another, whatever I say would affect them emotionally or mentally. Even if it’s just a little tiny bit, I still don’t like that at all,” I asserted politely. “I don’t want to depend on people for emotional support or anything like that because at the end of the day, I still have to fight my own battles.”

Lately I find myself being very cautious with the words that I choose to speak, in fear of that I may or will hurt someone. Thinking about your words is imperative, they can hold eminent meaning. They can reflect your own character. Sometimes, i feel like keeping silent is way better than sharing secrets and saying meaningless things, you know?

But hey, I have to admit it’s one of the most comforting feelings in the world to have someone who showers you with so much love and just wants to see you happy. I am very grateful. However, a note to self: You do not need a man to strengthen you, rely on Allah. xx

Rule #66: Trust is like a mirror. You can fix it if it’s broken but you can still see the crack in it.

Oversized knitted jumper, Thrifted | Wedges, Perth local store | Bag, TOD'S

I feel the nostalgia run through my veins these few nights; it’s been keeping me from sleep. I know I have been unsuccessful in fully expressing how much of a difference he has made in my life- the fear of telling my true and deep feelings still remains a challenge- at the same time, there is this awfully strong urge to extirpate the memories I had with him. Although we had our good times together, which I wished I had a backward button to replay them again, I am still- oh I hate to admit this- emotionally crushed.

Yet, for some inexplicable reason, the fear of losing him engulfs me. Big time.

He's the thorn in my flesh that I can't take out. He's stealing my breath when you're around. You could be my hero, If only I could let go, but his love has still hit me, like a broken arrow. This song by Pixie Lott has been stuck in my head all week. I guess, there are still some missing glass pieces of my fragile heart that have yet to be glued together. I’m just muddled because he said he would take this pain away but we are drifting apart day by day…....

Words are just words after all. They’re cheap, aren’t they darling?

No one really knows what lies beneath the façade that I put up of being a strong and carefree lady. I always try so hard to hide my vulnerability as I am afraid they would be made as weapons against who I am like how it happened before. I believe everybody has their own sad stories to share but being the secretive me, I prefer listening. And you know what, I just realized I have almost mastered the art of pretending.

Well, tonight is just another night of thinking too much and losing sleep. The stirrings of past disappointment; echoes of him. Sigh. It’s three in the morning already. I’m missing you.xx


"Time is a great healer but Allah is the greatest healer." Quoted by someone.

Rule #65: Sometimes, tying up the ropes is just as good, if not better, than the build up towards the finished tie.

Last monday, I visited my ex-schoolmates at RP since there was no work for me. I missed them! We didn’t do much catching up with our lives; we were just enjoying each other’s company like we always do. Just imagine if the three of us - Me, Hidayah and Hapheez- were in the same class, no doubt I would look forward to school and we could just be the best of friends ever!

The meet-up with my RP divas last week @ Orchard after my work was great! I really couldn't remember when was the last time I went out with a group of all girls- there were like 7 of us in total. They reminded me a lot about my usuals (Hmmm, I wonder where they are now?). We went to 313@Somerset’s Starbucks to just chill out since everybody’s so tired after their shopping. Catching up with one another’s lives, listening to their own family problems and where they came from made me think of how blessed I am. ‘Spoilt’ was what they called me and i kept denying. When one of them started listing out what I got from my parents, I just looked down feeling guilty but all I could say in my heart was Alhamdullilah because whatever my parents gave me and what I own now, is really not theirs nor mine. Everything belongs to Allah s.w.t. so all praises be to Him.




When the topic moved on to our love lives, everybody took turns to share about how they met their boyfriends and their journey throughout. I didn’t talk a lot about my love life. Not that I have nothing to share; I just prefer to be the listener than the story teller, like always:)

“Let me ask you girls something, do we need actually need an official statement to be in a relationship?” Firah, the outspoken one, asked the group. “Like, the sentence ‘will you be my girlfriend?’ you know that kind of thing?”

I was so familiar with this question as I've asked myself a lot of times. They exchanged their opinions until Firah came into a conclusion, “So there MUST be an official statement, if not you won’t know where you stand in someone’s lives.”

Personally, I don’t like the idea of becoming official and having a status. That’s not important to me and I just don’t believe in that anymore. I learned that, it’s about developing genuine feelings, not for what they have to offer, but for who they are in the past and the present. It’s about communicating with each other to gain trust along with understanding and being forgiving especially when situations are at their worst. It’s never about blaming the significant other for not treating you the way you want to be treated. It is how hard they try to keep you in their lives and loving them wholeheartedly without expecting anything in return.We don't need a 'Single' or 'In a relationship' status, our hearts will determine all. xx

Rule #64: Beauty is a light in the heart.

“It’s easy to win a girl’s heart. But to sustain the love for a girl day by day is hard. It's a challenge,” Someone said after he dedicated a song for me called I won't give up by Jason Mraz during a live acoustic duo at The Jewel Box’s Sapphire restaurant bar. “And I love challenges,”

Our eyes met and all I could do was smile. I was shy- that was a moment which really tugged at my heartstrings. He treated me like his heart’s greatest desire. I felt so special that I wish I could bottle and save and cherish the way he looked at me with his triumphant smile and eyes overflowing with gratitude.

It’s no secret that I am hopeless romantic myself- an idealist, one who is a lover of love, a sentimentalist at heart, who believes in chivalry and unconditional love- but sometimes I have one of those ‘reality checks’ whereby I feel like I am not worthy enough to feel the incredible amount of love he always showers me with. Indeed, it is a blessing, to be loved by a wonderful guy who puts God first before anyone else, but I felt undeserving with the fact that I’m not able to give him my best and I have nothing to offer to him.

“I just want your sincerity in loving me,” He leaned forward and his face was just a few centimetres apart from mine, gazing tenderly into my eyes. “Nothing else,”

I smiled reassuringly at him with nothing being said. Inside I pondered to myself, will that ever be enough for him in a few years down the road? Is he going to expect anything else which has been left unsaid? Is that all it really takes to make him happy?

“You know, I love you,” He cooed softly in my ear, wrapping his arms around and enveloping me in a loving embrace. “I love you so much.”

Those words echoed into my mind and I felt my timid heart raced. Deep down, I could still feel a little pang in a small portion of my heart. It has been aching silently but I could not decipher whether it’s sadness or guilt. No one could ever understand this heart ache that I am feeling except for The One above- no matter how much I try to explain. But that's okay. At the end of the day, I am still happy if he is and that is all that matters to me most. xx

Rule #63: Stop worrying because it often gives a small thing a big shadow.

(The Barelang Bridge, Batam Indonesia)
Pardon me, I just realised how emotional I sound in my previous posts. I wear my heart on my sleeve- perhaps this is one of my flaws- I do find that this a cathartic way of digesting and releasing my inner most thoughts and feelings. After all, I’m only human. Sometimes I hit a stride so low that I feel like I can’t carry it silently with a million different thoughts floating around my head all day but the truth of all truths; I am totally, completely, truly content with my life!

For this whole month of January, I work at Tangs Orchard with another colleague of mine for the Fashion Bazaar they’re having. It’s really sad that my time there will be ending soon. I did enjoy myself even though we don’t have many customers especially on the weekdays. With my chatterbox Amalina and the guys from Club21 whom I’ve been working with, they make everything seem a lot more fun; taking photos (follow me on instagram @nadiahlatiff!), sneaking food and drinks into the store room, trying out displayed shoes, (pole) dancing and etc. I’m not sure if I would call these ‘establishing friendships’ because colleagues will be colleagues- just workmates- but I wouldn’t mind hanging out with them again someday, really.

Have I mentioned, I also get occasional surprises at work? It’s really nice isn’t it… When you least expect anyone to be at your shop, out of nowhere he/she appeared right in front of you, with your favorite drinks and chocolates! Just that few minutes of his/her presence, it makes you smile from ear to ear the whole day, realizing how thoughtful and sweet that someone is. True enough, it's the little things that count the most,eh?

Overall, my life is undergoing a few changes which I am grateful as I’ve always been one to embrace change with open arms. Yes, change is always accompanied by drawbacks and discomforts but at the end of the day I'll still be okay if I let the chips fall where they may, and be patient about the turn-of-events. As for right now I can say I'm just, under construction. At the same time I'll enjoy the ride instead of trying to figure out where it’s taking me so that my satisfaction of life will take a positive leap forward! Hey, the weekends are nearing, just hang in there guys! xx

Rule #62: Less done, but completely, is better than much which is incomplete.

“Forget about everyone. Stop thinking about what he wants, what your parents want, or what I want. What do YOU want?” A similar question being asked by someone in the bus on our journey back home.

“I just want… to make people happy,” I responded. He listened attentively while I gathered my thoughts, trying to convert them into words, “Of course- I do have my ideal man. Ideal career. Ideal home. In fact, I am an idealist! But I feel as though all my wants and desires, they are not as significant anymore. I just want to make people happy.”

“But sometimes…” He retorted, “You have to be selfish in order to get what you want to make yourself happy,”

“Why should I, when other’s happiness is already mine?”

The truth is, I have a long list of my wants that if I were to say everything, I could go on and on till I get carried away with my materialistic self. Astarghfirullahal’azim. I always have to constantly remind myself- This is just a temporal life, the Hereafter is eternal!

Making people happy comes in a lot of ways depending on each individual but to me personally, it means giving something to someone simply to satisfy his need and to please him, without expecting anything in return. Whether it is love, money, knowledge or all the worldly possessions, what matters is how willing you are to share/give them away to someone else because not only will it help to improve your character, it also makes you realize what you possess is not really yours. It belongs to God, and has been given to you by Him both for your needs and to share with others who are in need.

Maybe that's one of the reasons why i always put others before myself and I don't see anything wrong with that. Why are people always trying to prove me otherwise?

Rule #61: Feel the fear and do it anyway.

I was so tired last Thursday that I fell asleep next to him after goofing around the house in the afternoon. It's been more than a month since we last met.Half unconscious, he tugged me closer where my head rested on his bosom comfortably and I could hear his heartbeat.While i was drifting back into slumber,he wrapped an arm around me and I felt his tender lips pressed against my forehead. My heart stopped for a moment- like there’s still a little crack at the thought of him leaving home one day. Whether or not he will be serving national service, I know he will still leave the country eventually- for years and years. Albeit knowing this truth way before and made myself mentally prepared, yet it seems like it’s getting harder to let him go.

It’s hard for me to admit this aloud- I am afraid. There’s a part of me that thinks I am just overreacting; the reason why I don’t normally talk about it to anyone as they might think I am not making sense. Can one… listen without judgement? I tweeted yesterday night. I just don’t know how to talk about it, without coming off as not trying to be dramatic, but just…genuine fear. It feels so apparent, so tangible that I feel a profound sadness at times when I am all alone.

I yearn for him although we’ve shared nothing much together. Because? He himself, his presence, is indeed my happiness. Why is that so hard for people to comprehend?
--

Yesterday night I poured my heart out to someone (not the same person I wrote about in my previous paragraphs jfyi) and he did the same too. Someone knew there are things that have been bothering my mind. He looked straight into my eyes while convincing me that he’s trustworthy enough to know whatever I was feeling and thinking. As I slowly mustered courage to speak the truth, my voice faltered, making me seemed out of breath. But we kept the conversation going, heart-to-heart, for quite some time till there was a mutual silence. He shifted his weight to the left to give me a tight hug- a really long one- that our bodies were directly in contact, our noses brushed each other’s shoulders and I could feel him breathing heavily on my neck.

As he whispered some words into my ears, my eyes began to fill with tears. I closed them tightly, struggling to contain my emotions. But I totally lose it. I just burst out crying on his shoulders and he held me even tighter with his comforting words. When he noticed more tears made a trail down my cheeks, he started singing to me- yes he literally sang- an Indonesian love song which both of us could totally relate. I thought it was cute when he chuckled halfway but still continued to finish the song until he forgot the lyrics. Even with all my tears, I giggled. He caressed my cheeks, wiped all the tears away, and my mood was suddenly lifted all over again.

I never intend to show my vulnerability. Revealing my weaknesses and insecurities to a man were the last thing I wanted to do for 2012. It’s true- You can plan all you want but it doesn’t mean it will happen because after all, everything is in God’s hands. But I guess my resolution still sticks- Do not get too attached. I'll still love you anyway. With all my heart. xx

Rule #60: What lies ahead may be slightly uncertain, but there’ll be grass underneath.

Lately I’ve been questioning about a lot of things relating to love and life. At the same time realizing that certain questions have no answers, I also know that I must persistently question because I need a stronger vitality in the certainty of my being.

“Put everyone else aside. The question now is, what do YOU want?” Someone asked me last night.

Such a simple question, I thought, yet it was so hard to answer. I had a picture in my mind about how i want my life and future to be. Unable to convert all my thoughts into words, I remember myself responding ‘I don’t know’ quite a few times in our conversation. I wish i could spill my heart out to someone, but its not as easy as it may seem. The more I tried, the more I get confused and the next thing i said was, “I don’t even understand myself!” Well…Do i?

“It’s about you now. All the truths and answers are within you.”

Someone apologized to me for being in the picture, instead of making me feel better, he only put me on a guilt trip. It’s like as if everything happened because of my own actions and even though I don’t have any bad intentions, I find myself trap in this situation therefore I should be the one apologizing for letting someone be involved in this. For strange reasons, I feel my stomach in knots; my heart breaks, that was what I tweeted at 4am. Echoes of him and everything he said appeared, and the pain became more poignant.

I know he is going to leave anyway- leave home for a very long time and god-knows-when he will return again- so what is it exactly that I am holding on? I don’t even know what we are but what I know is that he’s so different than anyone else I’ve met; probably that is why I don’t want to lose him. After all the things he has taught me in life and our religion Islam, sometimes it really feels like he’s the ocean that keeps me sane.

You will never be forgotten, no matter how far you are. No doubt I’ll miss you. I’ll miss you a lot more than you’ll ever imagine and I will wait for your return even if we are not going to end up together. I just want to see you again so please, don’t forget to come back. xx

Rule #58: Challenges are lessons waiting to be learned.

Right now, I am two thousand miles away from home and my loved ones. I managed to squeeze in a short getaway to the beautiful country I have missed so much. It was quite an impromptu plan to travel and even though I’m on a tight budget, I knew I just needed an escape from the bustling city to somewhere far I know which I’ve never been- Perth, Australia.

Currently writing in my hotel room located at Piers street. My internet prepaid has already run out, but I’ve paid a few more dollars to use it longer. Today, I have discovered my corneal ulcer is back. I am indeed suffering a stinging pain in my left eye once again (which is very red now) and will be in this condition for the next few days since I didn’t bring my medication. Nonetheless, that is not going to stop me from being happy! I’m so blessed to be here, and if God were to take away my sight tomorrow, I am still going to be okay and thankful that it didn’t happen to anybody else who would not handle it well. He has the right to do anything to me. I am strong and I can be stronger. Have faith.

As I drew the curtains to open the window, I noticed how tranquil the streets are compared to the hustle and bustle of busy Singapore. After having a short walk alone outside, I came to realize it’s no different than Brisbane or Gold Coast which I have visited a couple of years ago. It's just quieter, so quiet, a quiet that almost makes the cold moot, reminds me why I love Australia so much. I don’t miss home, really. Despite my parents, I only miss someone who has been constantly on my mind even before I left. However, I don’t wish to go back if I had a choice. It's just not my time yet to permanently leave the place I called ‘home’.

It’s half past midnight. I’m snugging under my warm blanket getting ready to go to sleep. I already placed the denim long sleeves next to me in case I need an extra warmth. As the smell lingers on my queen sized bed, I wish someone was here with me right now to spend the rest of the night with. xx

Rule #56: Never fear shadows, for they mean there is light somewhere.

It was at this time during the day, seven times a week, whereby I ponder upon my own life’s idiosyncrasies and irony, among others. As I sat at the 50th storey with the strong wind constantly blew in my face, I managed to speak my mind and expressed myself as sincerely as possible- I rarely do that. My mind has always been running in circles, not just about me but everything else happening in this world today, that can leave me feeling all sorts of emotions which I don’t normally talk about to anyone.

A smile of relief beamed on my face. I breathed in the evening air, watching the sunset fade into the horizon, colors warmly changing from blues to oranges to black. I couldn’t help but marvel at the incredible city of mine. Oh, everything was so beautiful beyond words. Looking at the vastness of it all, I think I felt His grace and for that, it has made me realize how small I am- no matter how high I was, under His wonderments; I feel so humbled…

Truly, He is the Almighty.

I have finally found a peace of mind and a sense of calm that I haven't felt in quite some time. Indeed, there was a kismet there. I couldn't describe the happiness that was saturated within me. Closing my eyes with a smile of gratitude, I gave thanks to Him in my heart, knowing things are changing for the better. In the name of Allah s.w.t..

I am taking a leap of faith. Let’s hold hands together, hope for the best and jump! xx

Rule #55: Just because you think you know everything, doesn't mean you know anything.

The hospital’s emergency ward was the last place I would want to be on a New Year’s Eve. Initially I wanted to go to work in the afternoon. I guess God didn’t allow so He decided to give me a sore eye...A really bad one. I don’t normally consult the doctor whenever I’m not feeling well but this time I decided to 'be responsible of my own health' and dragged myself to the 24-hour family clinic.

“This is a serious condition that has to be treated as soon as possible. I can see white spots on your left eye and I’m suspecting a corneal ulcer. It might worsen your sight and cause blindness so before that really happens, I will have to refer you to the hospital now.”

While waiting to get the referral letter and medicine, one of my guy friends appeared at the clinic. I was so surprised by his unexpected presence! Like as if he teleported or something. How thoughtful of him to be there for me physically even though it was only ten minutes until my parents came to fetch.

As I stepped into the hospital that late afternoon, instant flashbacks from my childhood came flooding down. The visions of those sickly days came to my mind throughout the time I was there. With every blink, I remember myself as a kid, going for appointments after appointments. Being warded again and again. Having needles through my veins and tubes/mask of oxygen supply to aid my breathing. I was only three back then.

“I will have to scrap out some of the white spots from your eyes to test a sample,” Doctor Charmaine informed me.

I just smiled and nodded, pretending fear had no control at all.

“What are you going to use to scrap out?” I overheard a nurse asking the doctor very softly.

“A needle, obviously,” She replied with a grin on her face.

A long silence ensued. I could only hear myself gulped down so hard. Everybody in the room looked so emotionless, including my parents (….surprisingly.). Am I the only one in the room who thinks that having a needle poked in my eye is the scariest shit ever? I kept calm as she dropped a yellow dye in my eyes which hurt so badly I screamed a little! As she looked through the optical lens, she cautiously poked a sharp tiny needle on my left eye a couple of times ……the next minute, she was done and it didn’t hurt as bad as I thought it would be! Alhamdullilah.

Tomorrow will be my next appointment. No more needles please, no more needles. I keep reminding myself time and time again that I should not fear because God is fair and like what someone told me, “Allah s.w.t heals everything.”

---

The night of 31st December turned out great. I was at somewhere peaceful, just gazing out at the beautiful romantic scene. I could see different views of fireworks happening at 3 different places (how amazing is that?!?!). Played with the firecrackers, consumed so much candies, drank a carton of milk (who needs alcohol? Pfft) and had heart to heart talk. It was a beautiful start of the year, period.

Rule #52: When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.

"Whether it's taking each other for granted,or people changing over time, the bottom line is....someone stops trying. And the feelings aren't strong as before."


I don’t often express my opinions – not because I don’t have them, but because I don’t want to polarize people and start arguments or create debate. I don’t have the energy to follow up and defend my opinions; they are simply conclusions I have drawn about things, and I don’t want to force them on anyone else.

I’m not one to talk a lot. In fact, I hate discussing things in length. If it’s good, it’s good. If it’s not, it’s not. If we’re cool, we’re cool. It’s as simple as that! yes…… it takes a lot of control to stick to it. Lingering on something so moot and passé - really, what’s the point? It’s something I will never understand and will forever consider self-torture.

I am aware that not everyone thinks the way I do and I totally accept that. I am aware that there are people who like to dwell on their past for reasons both good and bad. I know people guilty of this and every time they try to bring up the past to me, whether or not it actually involves me, I feel that I’m the most useless person to talk to. What else can I say but let it go and move forward?

“It’s easier said than done.”

Well.. It’s just the way you look at things and how you choose to handle it. If you really think it is easy, it will be.How, you may ask? Give others a chance and take risks, that is how! If it’s for you, no matter what happens and how big the hurdle – if it is meant you, then it is meant for you. Nothing can stop this. He has made it such that it is what you’re supposed to be, supposed to do. It’s only a matter of time. So take it easy a little, walk with faith. If you believe in faith, then believe that He is giving you this now, the harder part, so that the easier things will appear later in future for you.

Recently, a close friend of mine was telling me about her love life and how many guys she actually rejected because she couldn’t get over her ex-boyfriend. A part of me wanted to give her a huge gigantic mega slap on her forehead whereas another part of me was trying to put myself in her shoes. I couldn’t say anything much (I’m hopeless when it comes to giving emotional support) even though everything she’s been through I can totally relate but I was totally caught off guard when she asked, “You just broke up a month ago, why did you move on so fast?”

The question was ‘WHY’. Not how.

There are times when I feel almost getting pulled back to the past–feeling the same feelings, looking at things the way I used to–and I thank all things divine in this world for giving me control and bringing me back to the present. A lot of things have changed I admit, but they were inevitable so hey, do something else other than mope right? I just refuse to relive the past no matter how much I miss the good old times. It’s something I have left behind and what ever path I choose to take, I will never make it back there because I know there are better things that God has planned out for me.

But I will have to deal with people who are stuck one way or another, which I don’t mind. I'm going to be a listening ear like i always am but still all I’m saying is let it go and move forward. As tempting as it may seem to feed myself with all the intensity of the past, I won’t give in. I have control. Nothing’s going to shake me.

Now that, my friend, is why;)

“Forgiving does not erase the bitter past. A healed memory is not a deleted memory. Instead, forgiving what we cannot forget creates a new way to remember. We change the memory of our past into a hope for our future.” – Bill Cosby

Rule #40: Hearts will never be practical, until they are made unbreakable.

I can't write and pretend everything's okay, and it's unhealthy to spill my beans into the abyss that is the internet. Life has been messy so I apologize for my erratic mood.

Right now I’m slowly adjusting myself back to the single life. It’s my choice to go solo even though it is not something I enjoy. We had what seemed like a wonderful relationship for 1.5 years but my instincts finally told me we weren’t meant to stay. Don’t get me wrong- He is a nice guy at heart and there will definitely be a lot of things that I’m going to miss about us. But then again, life goes on...We have total opposite personalities (I guess the age gap affects a lot too) that I thought was very special. Looking back, I’ve realised that it was affecting who I am as a lady, the values that I believe in and the dreams that I have in life. I have to admit that I have pretty high expectations of my ‘future husband’ and I really can’t afford to let anyone stop me from doing what I really want to achieve in life.

I could write more, but I don't wish to tell the whole world our story. Till we meet again. xx