Lately I’ve been questioning about a lot of things relating to love and life. At the same time realizing that certain questions have no answers, I also know that I must persistently question because I need a stronger vitality in the certainty of my being.
“Put everyone else aside. The question now is, what do YOU want?” Someone asked me last night.
Such a simple question, I thought, yet it was so hard to answer. I had a picture in my mind about how i want my life and future to be. Unable to convert all my thoughts into words, I remember myself responding ‘I don’t know’ quite a few times in our conversation. I wish i could spill my heart out to someone, but its not as easy as it may seem. The more I tried, the more I get confused and the next thing i said was, “I don’t even understand myself!” Well…Do i?
“It’s about you now. All the truths and answers are within you.”
Someone apologized to me for being in the picture, instead of making me feel better, he only put me on a guilt trip. It’s like as if everything happened because of my own actions and even though I don’t have any bad intentions, I find myself trap in this situation therefore I should be the one apologizing for letting someone be involved in this. For strange reasons, I feel my stomach in knots; my heart breaks, that was what I tweeted at 4am. Echoes of him and everything he said appeared, and the pain became more poignant.
I know he is going to leave anyway- leave home for a very long time and god-knows-when he will return again- so what is it exactly that I am holding on? I don’t even know what we are but what I know is that he’s so different than anyone else I’ve met; probably that is why I don’t want to lose him. After all the things he has taught me in life and our religion Islam, sometimes it really feels like he’s the ocean that keeps me sane.
You will never be forgotten, no matter how far you are. No doubt I’ll miss you. I’ll miss you a lot more than you’ll ever imagine and I will wait for your return even if we are not going to end up together. I just want to see you again so please, don’t forget to come back. xx
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