Rule #106: Lower your expectations of others, and raise your expectations of yourself.

Trapped by my own laziness, I keep talking to myself about discovery, travel, and death. Yes, especially death… It’s been on my mind with all that’s happening around the world. Sometimes I blow it off thinking that my mind is playing with me because I’ve been seeing it everywhere, but I’ve come to realise how ignorant I’ve been for the past years of my life. I don’t think I can truly say that it scared me although it did leave me unnerved with the fact that there really is no certainty to our existence.

Everything in this world comes with a timeline. In a good way, I know that I’m never stagnant. Time is indeed limited yet I do nothing much to cherish it. Ain’t that a shame. Guess I’m simply am not ready to cease existing. Perhaps it’s attachment to the people and things in this world. There are just far too many things I’m itching to do and so many things I should have done that sometimes I tend to forget the true purpose of Life- which is to worship Allah and Him alone- and that Paradise is way better than everything else here.

I was taught that each individual has full control of their life. God has His plans and our fate has already been written but that is not an excuse to just wait around to be awestruck. We are given choices to do what’s right and wrong. We control our thoughts, our thoughts influence our attitudes, and our attitudes determine how we will go about our lives. Life gets difficult for everyone and sometimes there isn’t anything we can do to prevent life from doing its worst. The only thing we can truly control is how we react to what’s thrown at us. There’s a verse in the Qur’an I read earlier today which says: “And We will surely test you with something of fear and hunger and loss of wealth and lives and fruits, but give good tidings to the patient.” (2:155)

This post is a way of me reminding myself. It’s a way to reassert my faith and beliefs so that I will always remember. All I have is now. I really have to get out of this rut; this continuous mundane routine that I’ve so comfortably settled into. I am a flawed being and so are you, admitting that should only propel us forward not pull us back. So here’s to less talking and more actions...

♡ ♡ ♡
Nadiah Latiff

Rule #105: There will come a time in life when you begin to realize that there are some people you will never see again, at least not in the same way.

 
Nothing is tougher than holding back your tears when you see your own Mother crying her heart out to you. It’s an inexplicable feeling to see her so hurt that the world even seems to flip itself over. Your soul aches and a piece of you dies a little when you look into her eyes full of sadness and pain. You wonder to yourself how many times she has silently cried throughout the years but only God alone knows the endless hours she has spent on her bended knees praying for her family. No one knows the disappointments that choke her heart as she fights to keep things from falling apart. Hoping you could mend her broken heart, you breathe in and out deeply trying to hold yourself together so you could be a pillar of strength to her as she weeps. At night when all the lights are off and everyone is asleep, you can't help but cry in your prayer mat for God to ease your Mother's pain and swear that no matter what happens you will never leave her all alone.


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"Do good to and serve your mother, then your mother, then your mother, then your father, then the near relatives and then those who come after them."[Mazhari]
"I know of no other deed that brings people closer to Allah than kind treatment and respect towards one's mother." [Al-Adab al-Mufrad Bukhârî 1/45]
"Paradise lies at the feet of your mother" [Musnad Ahmad, Sunan An-Nasâ’i, Sunan Ibn Mâjah]

♡ ♡ ♡
Nadiah Latiff

Rule #82: There’s always more to what the heart feels, what the mind conceives and what words reveal, there is always more to life.

Gold Coast Surfers Paradise, Australia, Feb 2010

I need to start dieting and this will be the first time I’m doing it. Overeating is bad and I feel really guilty about it! I remember reading a poster “If you cannot feed the poor, fast with them.” It’s all about self-control. I’m not going to fast everyday, so most probably I will only eat about two meals per day (of course breakfast is included. That’s a major must for me!). At the same time, I can lose my weight and save money too right?

Allah’s Messenger (peace be upon him) said: ” The most excellent sadaqah consists in your satisfying the hungry stomach.” (Al-Tirmidhi #1946)

I shall stop spending too much money on food and continue doing my part to sedekah more, insya’Allah.

My Dad’s birthday fell on March 15 too and we had family dinner twice, which made me so very happy! Alhamdullilah. (Pictures are in my instagram. Follow me @nadiahlatiff) Although he’s strict and major perfectionist, he is still very supportive in every single thing I do in life and gives me anything I want. What more can a daughter ask for? I pray that Allah continue to bless his heart and allow me to repay him for everything he has done since I was a child. O Allah, grant him the highest level of Jannah. (and send my mother too because she deserves the best.)

I'm still learning how to love myself and be proud of who I am.

Recently my girlfriend and I were talking about our love lives- Oh wait do I even have one? Lol - She asked about my ‘type’ of man I want to marry and I replied, “All my close buddies know a pious man is the biggest turn on for me. A man, who can keep me intellectually stimulated, has an awesome sense of humour and full of energy. A man, who compels my strength and does not doubt my toughness. A man, who has the courage to put aside his ego to treat me like a woman.” Then she started raising her voice, “Yes, that IS the kind of man for you. You fucking deserve way better than whoever you have been with and who you’re with now. Do not fucking settle for anything less than what you fucking deserve. Remember that or I will make you remember that.” Totally did not expect that coming from her. Those words are still ringing loud in my head.

There’s a quote that I stumbled upon few days ago while browsing one of the Islamic blogs, "A man’s heart should be so lost in God that a woman must seek God in order to find him," that still keeps me wondering.

I've been practising playing Blakey- my guitar- again! Who wanna make covers?:)

Quitting my job soon because school’s in two weeks! I’ve never been this excited and nervous for school since like what, 4 or 5 years ago? I’m even planning to go for the orientation. Surprising, much?

I have a few videos to share with all of my readers but I’ll probably post it by the end of this week or next week! It’s really an eye-opening and I advise you to watch them. And I also know that I haven't been posting any new outfits- will do it soon!

I get it already that me and Munah Bagharib look similar. I have nothing against her at all- I think she’s very lovely- But when I ask, “How do I look today?” I don’t expect answers like “You look like munah!” or “That’s so Munah of you!” NEWSFLASH: Munah is not an adjective in my dictionary.

I’m trying to pick up the habit to read again. It’s kind of tough to push myself after months of slacking. I borrowed one of my friends’ book few days ago and I’m only at page 33 today.

I remember funny conversations with W. He's forever calling me a bimbo. The fact that I’m hanging out with an engaged man still scares me a lot but hey he's my good friend since 2 years ago like I've mentioned before. With him around, we are always laughing at our past and I'm constantly learning new things. That's why I treasure him a lot.

W always reminds me about the importance of seeking knowledge. So this is another quote to share and pass on.
"Acquire knowledge, it enables its professor to distinguish right from wrong; it lights the way to heaven. It is our friend in the desert, our company in solitude and companion when friendless. It guides us to happiness, it sustains us in misery, it is an ornament amongst friends and an armor against enemies." Prophet Muhammad (Peace be upon his soul)

Today is my girlfriend, Hidayah Rsl’s 19th birthday! It’s amazing really, the first time I met her, I never thought we would be really close girlfriends- We just clicked instantly! She's always been the innocent type of lady and I love her just the way she is. I’ll pray that she will not start clubbing like how she intends to! May God guide her to the truth and bless her with happiness! Miss you girl! Can't wait to see Adam, her newborn baby brother. I hope he's well. Mwuah mwuah.

I love Australia. Can't wait for the time I can finally study there! Insya'Allah.

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Rule #61: Feel the fear and do it anyway.

I was so tired last Thursday that I fell asleep next to him after goofing around the house in the afternoon. It's been more than a month since we last met.Half unconscious, he tugged me closer where my head rested on his bosom comfortably and I could hear his heartbeat.While i was drifting back into slumber,he wrapped an arm around me and I felt his tender lips pressed against my forehead. My heart stopped for a moment- like there’s still a little crack at the thought of him leaving home one day. Whether or not he will be serving national service, I know he will still leave the country eventually- for years and years. Albeit knowing this truth way before and made myself mentally prepared, yet it seems like it’s getting harder to let him go.

It’s hard for me to admit this aloud- I am afraid. There’s a part of me that thinks I am just overreacting; the reason why I don’t normally talk about it to anyone as they might think I am not making sense. Can one… listen without judgement? I tweeted yesterday night. I just don’t know how to talk about it, without coming off as not trying to be dramatic, but just…genuine fear. It feels so apparent, so tangible that I feel a profound sadness at times when I am all alone.

I yearn for him although we’ve shared nothing much together. Because? He himself, his presence, is indeed my happiness. Why is that so hard for people to comprehend?
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Yesterday night I poured my heart out to someone (not the same person I wrote about in my previous paragraphs jfyi) and he did the same too. Someone knew there are things that have been bothering my mind. He looked straight into my eyes while convincing me that he’s trustworthy enough to know whatever I was feeling and thinking. As I slowly mustered courage to speak the truth, my voice faltered, making me seemed out of breath. But we kept the conversation going, heart-to-heart, for quite some time till there was a mutual silence. He shifted his weight to the left to give me a tight hug- a really long one- that our bodies were directly in contact, our noses brushed each other’s shoulders and I could feel him breathing heavily on my neck.

As he whispered some words into my ears, my eyes began to fill with tears. I closed them tightly, struggling to contain my emotions. But I totally lose it. I just burst out crying on his shoulders and he held me even tighter with his comforting words. When he noticed more tears made a trail down my cheeks, he started singing to me- yes he literally sang- an Indonesian love song which both of us could totally relate. I thought it was cute when he chuckled halfway but still continued to finish the song until he forgot the lyrics. Even with all my tears, I giggled. He caressed my cheeks, wiped all the tears away, and my mood was suddenly lifted all over again.

I never intend to show my vulnerability. Revealing my weaknesses and insecurities to a man were the last thing I wanted to do for 2012. It’s true- You can plan all you want but it doesn’t mean it will happen because after all, everything is in God’s hands. But I guess my resolution still sticks- Do not get too attached. I'll still love you anyway. With all my heart. xx

Rule #60: What lies ahead may be slightly uncertain, but there’ll be grass underneath.

Lately I’ve been questioning about a lot of things relating to love and life. At the same time realizing that certain questions have no answers, I also know that I must persistently question because I need a stronger vitality in the certainty of my being.

“Put everyone else aside. The question now is, what do YOU want?” Someone asked me last night.

Such a simple question, I thought, yet it was so hard to answer. I had a picture in my mind about how i want my life and future to be. Unable to convert all my thoughts into words, I remember myself responding ‘I don’t know’ quite a few times in our conversation. I wish i could spill my heart out to someone, but its not as easy as it may seem. The more I tried, the more I get confused and the next thing i said was, “I don’t even understand myself!” Well…Do i?

“It’s about you now. All the truths and answers are within you.”

Someone apologized to me for being in the picture, instead of making me feel better, he only put me on a guilt trip. It’s like as if everything happened because of my own actions and even though I don’t have any bad intentions, I find myself trap in this situation therefore I should be the one apologizing for letting someone be involved in this. For strange reasons, I feel my stomach in knots; my heart breaks, that was what I tweeted at 4am. Echoes of him and everything he said appeared, and the pain became more poignant.

I know he is going to leave anyway- leave home for a very long time and god-knows-when he will return again- so what is it exactly that I am holding on? I don’t even know what we are but what I know is that he’s so different than anyone else I’ve met; probably that is why I don’t want to lose him. After all the things he has taught me in life and our religion Islam, sometimes it really feels like he’s the ocean that keeps me sane.

You will never be forgotten, no matter how far you are. No doubt I’ll miss you. I’ll miss you a lot more than you’ll ever imagine and I will wait for your return even if we are not going to end up together. I just want to see you again so please, don’t forget to come back. xx

Rule #59: The last thing you should ever give up is hope.

I’ve indulged in a little bit of reckless spending whilst in Perth. Not anything amazingly over the top – a few shirts and singlets from local brands, leather jacket and blazer, accessories and lingerie, cute notebooks and pretty stationeries, four pairs of amazingly reduced shoes and heels and another four pairs of bold coloured pants with different cuttings - but enough to enjoy myself and feel just ever so slightly guilty... Slightly. Right....

I had a very relaxing evening stroll at Sorrento beach. It’s idyllic – the sky was blue with clear white clouds, the grass was verdant, the soft sand, clean and inviting waters of the sea! There’s just something about the sea and the waves crashing that just calms everything down. The clear horizon gives a sense of leisure, of freedom. The summer here is pretty insane, I was told and I experienced it myself. In the afternoon it’s about 35 degrees! It’s amazing how I could endure the weather here, really. I think it's the wind. But hey, applause for Nadiah The Puteri Lilin?

At the moment I am sitting on a wooden sofa in my cousin’s balcony at Clarkson, overlooking the lovely suburbs while shisha-ing (Yep, home-made shisha! It tastes good!) So grateful to have aussie cousins who welcomed me with open arms to stay at their house for a couple of nights. Such wonderful people they are. The sea breeze I'm feeling now is so awesome. I look up to see all the stars are smiling so brightly right at me. The way they sparkle reminds me so much of someone’s eyes- so beautiful. Ah, isn’t it wonderful to write under the night sky? I really love it here but too bad I have a flight to catch tomorrow. Oh well….Good night, mate! xx

Rule #58: Challenges are lessons waiting to be learned.

Right now, I am two thousand miles away from home and my loved ones. I managed to squeeze in a short getaway to the beautiful country I have missed so much. It was quite an impromptu plan to travel and even though I’m on a tight budget, I knew I just needed an escape from the bustling city to somewhere far I know which I’ve never been- Perth, Australia.

Currently writing in my hotel room located at Piers street. My internet prepaid has already run out, but I’ve paid a few more dollars to use it longer. Today, I have discovered my corneal ulcer is back. I am indeed suffering a stinging pain in my left eye once again (which is very red now) and will be in this condition for the next few days since I didn’t bring my medication. Nonetheless, that is not going to stop me from being happy! I’m so blessed to be here, and if God were to take away my sight tomorrow, I am still going to be okay and thankful that it didn’t happen to anybody else who would not handle it well. He has the right to do anything to me. I am strong and I can be stronger. Have faith.

As I drew the curtains to open the window, I noticed how tranquil the streets are compared to the hustle and bustle of busy Singapore. After having a short walk alone outside, I came to realize it’s no different than Brisbane or Gold Coast which I have visited a couple of years ago. It's just quieter, so quiet, a quiet that almost makes the cold moot, reminds me why I love Australia so much. I don’t miss home, really. Despite my parents, I only miss someone who has been constantly on my mind even before I left. However, I don’t wish to go back if I had a choice. It's just not my time yet to permanently leave the place I called ‘home’.

It’s half past midnight. I’m snugging under my warm blanket getting ready to go to sleep. I already placed the denim long sleeves next to me in case I need an extra warmth. As the smell lingers on my queen sized bed, I wish someone was here with me right now to spend the rest of the night with. xx