Rule #61: Feel the fear and do it anyway.

I was so tired last Thursday that I fell asleep next to him after goofing around the house in the afternoon. It's been more than a month since we last met.Half unconscious, he tugged me closer where my head rested on his bosom comfortably and I could hear his heartbeat.While i was drifting back into slumber,he wrapped an arm around me and I felt his tender lips pressed against my forehead. My heart stopped for a moment- like there’s still a little crack at the thought of him leaving home one day. Whether or not he will be serving national service, I know he will still leave the country eventually- for years and years. Albeit knowing this truth way before and made myself mentally prepared, yet it seems like it’s getting harder to let him go.

It’s hard for me to admit this aloud- I am afraid. There’s a part of me that thinks I am just overreacting; the reason why I don’t normally talk about it to anyone as they might think I am not making sense. Can one… listen without judgement? I tweeted yesterday night. I just don’t know how to talk about it, without coming off as not trying to be dramatic, but just…genuine fear. It feels so apparent, so tangible that I feel a profound sadness at times when I am all alone.

I yearn for him although we’ve shared nothing much together. Because? He himself, his presence, is indeed my happiness. Why is that so hard for people to comprehend?
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Yesterday night I poured my heart out to someone (not the same person I wrote about in my previous paragraphs jfyi) and he did the same too. Someone knew there are things that have been bothering my mind. He looked straight into my eyes while convincing me that he’s trustworthy enough to know whatever I was feeling and thinking. As I slowly mustered courage to speak the truth, my voice faltered, making me seemed out of breath. But we kept the conversation going, heart-to-heart, for quite some time till there was a mutual silence. He shifted his weight to the left to give me a tight hug- a really long one- that our bodies were directly in contact, our noses brushed each other’s shoulders and I could feel him breathing heavily on my neck.

As he whispered some words into my ears, my eyes began to fill with tears. I closed them tightly, struggling to contain my emotions. But I totally lose it. I just burst out crying on his shoulders and he held me even tighter with his comforting words. When he noticed more tears made a trail down my cheeks, he started singing to me- yes he literally sang- an Indonesian love song which both of us could totally relate. I thought it was cute when he chuckled halfway but still continued to finish the song until he forgot the lyrics. Even with all my tears, I giggled. He caressed my cheeks, wiped all the tears away, and my mood was suddenly lifted all over again.

I never intend to show my vulnerability. Revealing my weaknesses and insecurities to a man were the last thing I wanted to do for 2012. It’s true- You can plan all you want but it doesn’t mean it will happen because after all, everything is in God’s hands. But I guess my resolution still sticks- Do not get too attached. I'll still love you anyway. With all my heart. xx

Rule #60: What lies ahead may be slightly uncertain, but there’ll be grass underneath.

Lately I’ve been questioning about a lot of things relating to love and life. At the same time realizing that certain questions have no answers, I also know that I must persistently question because I need a stronger vitality in the certainty of my being.

“Put everyone else aside. The question now is, what do YOU want?” Someone asked me last night.

Such a simple question, I thought, yet it was so hard to answer. I had a picture in my mind about how i want my life and future to be. Unable to convert all my thoughts into words, I remember myself responding ‘I don’t know’ quite a few times in our conversation. I wish i could spill my heart out to someone, but its not as easy as it may seem. The more I tried, the more I get confused and the next thing i said was, “I don’t even understand myself!” Well…Do i?

“It’s about you now. All the truths and answers are within you.”

Someone apologized to me for being in the picture, instead of making me feel better, he only put me on a guilt trip. It’s like as if everything happened because of my own actions and even though I don’t have any bad intentions, I find myself trap in this situation therefore I should be the one apologizing for letting someone be involved in this. For strange reasons, I feel my stomach in knots; my heart breaks, that was what I tweeted at 4am. Echoes of him and everything he said appeared, and the pain became more poignant.

I know he is going to leave anyway- leave home for a very long time and god-knows-when he will return again- so what is it exactly that I am holding on? I don’t even know what we are but what I know is that he’s so different than anyone else I’ve met; probably that is why I don’t want to lose him. After all the things he has taught me in life and our religion Islam, sometimes it really feels like he’s the ocean that keeps me sane.

You will never be forgotten, no matter how far you are. No doubt I’ll miss you. I’ll miss you a lot more than you’ll ever imagine and I will wait for your return even if we are not going to end up together. I just want to see you again so please, don’t forget to come back. xx

Rule #59: The last thing you should ever give up is hope.

I’ve indulged in a little bit of reckless spending whilst in Perth. Not anything amazingly over the top – a few shirts and singlets from local brands, leather jacket and blazer, accessories and lingerie, cute notebooks and pretty stationeries, four pairs of amazingly reduced shoes and heels and another four pairs of bold coloured pants with different cuttings - but enough to enjoy myself and feel just ever so slightly guilty... Slightly. Right....

I had a very relaxing evening stroll at Sorrento beach. It’s idyllic – the sky was blue with clear white clouds, the grass was verdant, the soft sand, clean and inviting waters of the sea! There’s just something about the sea and the waves crashing that just calms everything down. The clear horizon gives a sense of leisure, of freedom. The summer here is pretty insane, I was told and I experienced it myself. In the afternoon it’s about 35 degrees! It’s amazing how I could endure the weather here, really. I think it's the wind. But hey, applause for Nadiah The Puteri Lilin?

At the moment I am sitting on a wooden sofa in my cousin’s balcony at Clarkson, overlooking the lovely suburbs while shisha-ing (Yep, home-made shisha! It tastes good!) So grateful to have aussie cousins who welcomed me with open arms to stay at their house for a couple of nights. Such wonderful people they are. The sea breeze I'm feeling now is so awesome. I look up to see all the stars are smiling so brightly right at me. The way they sparkle reminds me so much of someone’s eyes- so beautiful. Ah, isn’t it wonderful to write under the night sky? I really love it here but too bad I have a flight to catch tomorrow. Oh well….Good night, mate! xx

Rule #58: Challenges are lessons waiting to be learned.

Right now, I am two thousand miles away from home and my loved ones. I managed to squeeze in a short getaway to the beautiful country I have missed so much. It was quite an impromptu plan to travel and even though I’m on a tight budget, I knew I just needed an escape from the bustling city to somewhere far I know which I’ve never been- Perth, Australia.

Currently writing in my hotel room located at Piers street. My internet prepaid has already run out, but I’ve paid a few more dollars to use it longer. Today, I have discovered my corneal ulcer is back. I am indeed suffering a stinging pain in my left eye once again (which is very red now) and will be in this condition for the next few days since I didn’t bring my medication. Nonetheless, that is not going to stop me from being happy! I’m so blessed to be here, and if God were to take away my sight tomorrow, I am still going to be okay and thankful that it didn’t happen to anybody else who would not handle it well. He has the right to do anything to me. I am strong and I can be stronger. Have faith.

As I drew the curtains to open the window, I noticed how tranquil the streets are compared to the hustle and bustle of busy Singapore. After having a short walk alone outside, I came to realize it’s no different than Brisbane or Gold Coast which I have visited a couple of years ago. It's just quieter, so quiet, a quiet that almost makes the cold moot, reminds me why I love Australia so much. I don’t miss home, really. Despite my parents, I only miss someone who has been constantly on my mind even before I left. However, I don’t wish to go back if I had a choice. It's just not my time yet to permanently leave the place I called ‘home’.

It’s half past midnight. I’m snugging under my warm blanket getting ready to go to sleep. I already placed the denim long sleeves next to me in case I need an extra warmth. As the smell lingers on my queen sized bed, I wish someone was here with me right now to spend the rest of the night with. xx