I was so tired last Thursday that I fell asleep next to him after goofing around the house in the afternoon. It's been more than a month since we last met.Half unconscious, he tugged me closer where my head rested on his bosom comfortably and I could hear his heartbeat.While i was drifting back into slumber,he wrapped an arm around me and I felt his tender lips pressed against my forehead. My heart stopped for a moment- like there’s still a little crack at the thought of him leaving home one day. Whether or not he will be serving national service, I know he will still leave the country eventually- for years and years. Albeit knowing this truth way before and made myself mentally prepared, yet it seems like it’s getting harder to let him go.
It’s hard for me to admit this aloud- I am afraid. There’s a part of me that thinks I am just overreacting; the reason why I don’t normally talk about it to anyone as they might think I am not making sense. Can one… listen without judgement? I tweeted yesterday night. I just don’t know how to talk about it, without coming off as not trying to be dramatic, but just…genuine fear. It feels so apparent, so tangible that I feel a profound sadness at times when I am all alone.
I yearn for him although we’ve shared nothing much together. Because? He himself, his presence, is indeed my happiness. Why is that so hard for people to comprehend?
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Yesterday night I poured my heart out to someone (not the same person I wrote about in my previous paragraphs jfyi) and he did the same too. Someone knew there are things that have been bothering my mind. He looked straight into my eyes while convincing me that he’s trustworthy enough to know whatever I was feeling and thinking. As I slowly mustered courage to speak the truth, my voice faltered, making me seemed out of breath. But we kept the conversation going, heart-to-heart, for quite some time till there was a mutual silence. He shifted his weight to the left to give me a tight hug- a really long one- that our bodies were directly in contact, our noses brushed each other’s shoulders and I could feel him breathing heavily on my neck.
As he whispered some words into my ears, my eyes began to fill with tears. I closed them tightly, struggling to contain my emotions. But I totally lose it. I just burst out crying on his shoulders and he held me even tighter with his comforting words. When he noticed more tears made a trail down my cheeks, he started singing to me- yes he literally sang- an Indonesian love song which both of us could totally relate. I thought it was cute when he chuckled halfway but still continued to finish the song until he forgot the lyrics. Even with all my tears, I giggled. He caressed my cheeks, wiped all the tears away, and my mood was suddenly lifted all over again.
I never intend to show my vulnerability. Revealing my weaknesses and insecurities to a man were the last thing I wanted to do for 2012. It’s true- You can plan all you want but it doesn’t mean it will happen because after all, everything is in God’s hands. But I guess my resolution still sticks- Do not get too attached. I'll still love you anyway. With all my heart. xx
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